FYI Ashland

Worst First Date Ever

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First dates are always fun but can be unnerving, especially if you do not know the person very well. I met this girl, she will go unnamed, so as you can tell this date did not go well. I’m sure you knew this already because of the title. I met her at Marshall. We more or less just chatted when we saw each other, but we always ran into each other a few times a week on campus. Now I’m not going to lie she was very attractive. She also had a great sense of humor and was intelligent. After a few weeks of seeing each other on campus I got her number. Yeah I’m a fast mover. It only took me a month to ask her for her number (Obviously being sarcastic).

We texted every day for a week and then I asked her out. She said yes and we made plans to go out on our first date the next weekend.  I went to her apartment to pick her up, yes I’m old school. I think a man should pick up his date, and pay for the date. As we drove to the restaurant we flirted with each other and laughed. I had a good feeling about this girl, and our date.

She picked the place she wanted to eat at but I will not name the establishment we ate at, but it was on 3rd Avenue in Huntington. We went in, got seated ordered some drinks and we were having a great time. She already knew what she wanted to eat; I was pretty impressed she didn’t take 30 minutes to order. We both ordered our food and just began to focus on each other. Then it happened, the worst first date ever. I was sitting with my back to the door. We are talking and then all of a sudden her face changed expression.  I thought I may have said something to offend her. She kept looking at the door, and then smiled. She got up and ran towards this guy, and gave him a big hug. I was like “maybe that’s her brother.” Then the guy kissed on her the lisp, I kinda panicked “we’ll maybe they are just really really close brother and sister!” I didn’t know what to think at this point. I was in disbelief. I just started looking around to see if anyone saw what I did, and they did. Now I was going to look dumb when she came back to the table. What was she going to say, I was about to find out.

After they stopped hugging he went to the bar and ordered a drink. She came back to the table, sat down and then she took a drink of her sweet tea. I’m sure she was pretty thirsty considering she worked up quit a sweat. She brushed her hair back and sighed. I had to ask “who was that?” “Oh that's just my ex.” Oh no big deal, we are on a date and you just kissed a guy. Again I felt like a moron.

I basically stared this guy down while he was at the bar. I was thinking he better not come over here, if he does I’m going to go off on him. Guess what? He came over and sat down. They both acted like I was invisible. She introduced us; I didn’t even shake his hand. I took a drink of my beverage. He had this big goofy grin on his face. So did she. I kept looking at how they interacted with each other; they kept touching each other and giggling in the most annoying way ever devised.

I kept thinking, I’m going to stab this guy in this fat steroid neck. I’m gonna jam this fork right into his neck and then get out of here as fast as I can. I mean he won’t be able to do anything he will be bleeding, and we all know blood doesn’t look very good on a guy with frosted hair.

I was embarrassed. I doubt anyone else there cared, but I was like “I hope no one sees how bad I just got played.” The guy is now sitting in between us; he looks at me and says “So you go to Marshall?” I said “why are you here, I mean we are on a date, you weren’t invited!” He pauses and with a smirk says “three’s a crowd”. Oh yeah this guy was DEAD, so dead now. The fork to the neck was not gonna be enough. I was going to take a dump on the hood of his car now, and since I going to be eating Mexican food, that was worse than a stabbing. This guy was 6’3 and 215 pounds. I am not 6’3 or 215 pounds, so physically I couldn’t do anything to him. If he would have been a guy who just came over and ran his game on her it would have been worth me getting beat up, but she was enjoying his company and was participating in flirting with him.

There was some pointless banter for a few moments. Then the food we ordered arrived. I didn’t feel hungry. No joke, I swear this guy actually wanted to sample what I ordered. He said “that looks great, if you don’t want it I’ll take it.” If I could I would have vomited all over him. I was thinking how I can get out of this with some dignity. Got it! I said I wasn’t feeling good, so I went to the bathroom, and then went out the back and left. She had no money, and I have no clue how they paid for the food, it was over 40 dollars. I laughed all the way home.

I was mad but a few days but I got over it. However, she texted me. I kept these texts for the sole purpose of comedy.

Her: I’m sorry about Saturday. I never meant to hurt you!

Me: I have no feelings to hurt

Her: I guess I still have feelings for him

Me: I could tell when he pinned you against the wall and gave you a hickey

Her: That didn’t happen

Me: oh I think it did

Her: I really am sorry

Me: I was gonna stab him in the neck with a fork. It took all I had in me to not stab him.

Me: me too I’m sorry I have such terrible taste in women, I’m sorry I thought you were cool when in reality you’re horrible. I’m sorry you’re fake. I apologize that I didn’t stab him with a fork. I apologize you both exist.

Her: I really am sorry

Me:  Yes, you are very very very sorry.

I cleaned that up for public consumption. I didn’t respond to any of her texts again. Is this a sad story? Nope. It’s funny. I can get over anything in 3 days. In the scope of life it didn’t matter. About 8 months later I ran into her. All was forgiven, I don’t hold grudges. She said that she was gonna marry him and they were moving to North Carolina. I figure two people as gross as them were meant to be together. I was going to buy them a wedding gift, a brand new sterling silver fork.  You know just for the sole purpose of comedy.

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